Karin Lubin & Randy Crutcher, top Passion Test facilitators

READY TO RECEIVE YOUR HEART’S DESIRES? (Isn’t it about time?) What if you could set this process in motion in a matter of 3 hours?

See these two vibrant, big-hearted friends of mine? Karin and Randy are committed to help you do just this. For years, they’ve been helping people around the world come alive, even those who think they already are passionate, focused and alive.

Wherever you are in the process of shaping your life to express who you really are, Randy and Karin will help you take this to the next level.

The secret? Becoming crystal clear about:
–What makes you most come to life
–The values by which you most want to live

Once you’ve done this, the universe conspires to bring you all that you need to carry out your intentions. Don’t be surprised if you become, more than ever, a magnet for your heart’s desires.

I rarely plug my own or other people’s offerings in my blog posts, but I can’t resist letting you know about this opportunity. If you happen to live in or near Ashland, Oregon, you can meet Karin and Randy in person and take their 3-hour workshop “Passions and Priorities.” (If you live elsewhere, you can work with them by telephone.)

All you Rogue Valley folk, if this rings your bells, sign up ASAP for Randy and Karin’s:
PASSIONS & PRIORITIES workshop
Wed., Nov. 2, 6:30-9:30 pm
Ashland, Oregon

SPACE IS LIMITED. This takes place in my friend Julie’s home. You’ll receive directions upon registering. Fee is $50. To learn more or to grab your spot . . .
Call Randy: 209-923-0502

Here’s the poster (click to enlarge):

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NO SIDE EFFECTS

The day ahead didn’t look good. I faced a 10-hour international flight in economy class, part one of 24 hours of sleepless travel on a return trip from The Netherlands to southern Oregon.

I had long finished the page-turner novel I began on the flight over. All I had to read were two newspapers. Both informed me just how high security levels were. We were hours away from September 11, the tenth anniversary of the day terrorists smashed jetliners into the World Trade Center’s twin towers.

My husband and I decided it was time for an unscientific test of the effectiveness of movie therapy. What did Hollywood have to offer for the trio of conditions we faced: anxiety, physical discomfort, and boredom?

A lot, it turned out. And with none of the side effects of prescription drugs. We recommend that you try this at home.

By the time we finished watching—on our separate screens—Woody Allen’s latest offering, Midnight in Paris, Sypko and I were all smiles. Ebullient. Bubbling over with joy. Eager to share our favorite scenes and comic lines.

We had forgotten that we were strapped into narrow seats and being fed soggy sandwiches, while we flew at 35,000 feet on one of the highest risk days since 2001.

Allen’s movie, which we had already seen once in a theater, is, for me, a joy from start to finish. Love oozes from almost every frame—love of Paris, art, beauty, genius, nostalgia and present-time ordinary life.

NEW KIND OF LEADING MAN

The main character, Gil, is in awe of the Paris–and the Parisians–of today and also of the 1920s, an era to which he is transported each night at midnight. While he’s confused by this inadvertent time travel, he quickly accepts it and lives each moment with intense gratitude.

Usually the lead character in a Woody Allen comedy is a stand-in for Allen himself. If this is the case with Gil–played in brilliant, low-key fashion by Owen Wilson—then I pronounce Woody Allen, cured of his neuroses.

Has his 40 or 50 years of intense psychoanalysis finally paid off? Has aging done the trick? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that Allen has created a neurosis-free (finally, no whining) leading man in a film that transports viewers to a state of open-hearted joy—and laugh-out-loud humor—without a smidgin of sappiness.

Gil is a complete innocent, in the best sense of the word. He seems incapable of, or unwilling to, manipulate others to get his own way. This doesn’t stop him, though, from getting off several sharp, side-splitting retorts to his shopping-obsessed fiancee, her Philistine parents, and her pedantic friend. Gil is anything but a doormat.

He courageously follows his creative calling (don’t ask) even though his fiancée and her parents think he’s nuts to give up a lucrative screenwriting career. And, with just as much bravery, he looks reality in the eye and refuses to live in denial, although this means giving up something quite precious. (I don’t want to give away too much.)

Now that I think of it, Gil comes across as one of the most emotionally and spiritually healthy guys on the planet. Surprisingly, that makes him anything but dull.

Without even trying, he becomes a chick magnet. And the viewer (this viewer, at least) begins to sense why he grows more attractive to at least one beautiful woman than—get this–Ernest Hemingway and Pablo Picasso.

Is psychological health the new main quality of the guy who gets the girl? (This trait also showed up in the strongest of the male characters in another, quite different movie I viewed on this flight, Bridesmaids.)

Are joy, awe and gratitude qualities that can carry a successful film and move people to return to see it again and again?

INGREDIENTS FOR SUCCESS

Months after its opening, Midnight in Paris–a financial and critical success, with a 92-percent critics rating on rottentomatoes.com–is still playing at our small-town, main-street movie theater, Amazing since even the biggest Hollywood films rarely last here more than a week or two.

Even more amazing: After seeing this film for the second time, Sypko and I are talking seriously about buying the DVD (due Jan. 2012). We rarely see a film twice much less purchase it for our tiny DVD library.

Looks like joy, awe and gratitude can be ingredients for cinematic success, provided they go hand in hand with a good story, great repartee, and exquisite cinematography.

Inspired by Midnight in Paris, I’m collecting the titles of other films that deliver a dose of joy along with a strong story. Which ones do you recommend for my pharmacopeia of movie therapy?

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KNOW A PREGNANT MOM who wants to ease the birthing process by developing a set of powerful internal tools perfectly tailored to her? Let her know about my new program: BIRTH YOUR BABY, BIRTH YOURSELF (BYBBY).

This next evolution in conscious childbirth prep combines individual hypnotherapy with small-group coaching. It helps a pregnant mom learn how to:

• Find her “sweet spot” of deep safety and comfort
• Make wise choices at every step
• Transform subconscious obstacles into allies

No matter where a mom lives, she can participate. I offer BYBBY online + on-telephone as well as face to face. To learn more, go to http://www.livingwellway.com/birth_yourself.htm.

Tell any one interested that I offer an initial FREE 20-minute consultation.

That’s not just for pregnant moms. It’s also for anyone wanting to find out whether a hypnotherapy or life-coaching session with me would benefit them. To learn about my approach and my specialties, go to http://www.livingwellway.com/home.htm

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Jack Black intends to drop 50 pounds, or so he told ACCESS at the premiere of his latest movie, Gulliver’s Travels. “I’m gonna drop 200 quarter-pounders with cheese,” he added with a laugh.

Rapper, actress and singer Queen Latifah laid out her alternative to New Year’s resolutions in a Parade Magazine interview. She makes pre-resolutions in December and spreads them out over four months until her birthday on March 18. “If I want to trim down or something, I do a little bit here and there,” she says. “That way I don’t have to go cold turkey on New Year’s Day.”

This sounds sane, but it’s still about self-improvement. It’s still saying “I’m not okay the way I am, so I’m making a plan to get better.”

I’m a fool for self-improvement. Have a library full of self-help books. But this year I’ve taken my New Year’s cue from a celebrity of a different kind. Byron Katie is a big name on the consciousness circuit, not that she cares about how big her name is.

Katie, a renowned practitioner of self-inquiry, is the author of the bestseller Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. My current favorite though is her more recent book–the one my husband gave me for Christmas–A Thousand Names for Joy: Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are.

Katie’s basic message: If you want to be free of suffering, stop arguing with reality.

Self-improvement is all about arguing with reality–that is, with the way things are right now. I’m too fat, I’m not smart enough, or I don’t know how to manage my money, thus I’m going to join Weight Watchers, or take a Great Books course, or listen to more CDs by Suze Orman. Then I’ll feel better about myself.

There’s nothing wrong with any of these activities, it’s the “then I’ll feel better about myself” part that is the recipe for suffering. What if you were to drop this story? Katie might ask. What if you turned it around and felt good about yourself as you are right now?

I tend to get on my own case about having a busy, worrying mind, even when meditating. “I’m in my head too much,” I tell myself over and over. So I was relieved to read what Katie has to say about thoughts on page 47 of her Joy book:

“You can’t empty your mind of thoughts. You might as well try to empty the ocean of its water. . . .”

“Why would you even want to empty your mind, unless you’re at war with reality? I love my thoughts. . . . You can have ten thousand thoughts a minute, and if you don’t believe them, your heart remains at peace.”

This is balm for born worriers like me. I don’t have to try to eliminate even one of those worry thoughts. I just love each mental concern as it passes through my mind. And if one of them persists, I ask, Byron Katie-style, “Is it true? Can I absolutely know that it’s true?”

Or, I ask one of my favorite questions,“What’s real?” Simply asking this deflates my worrying mind like a pinprick lets the air out of a balloon. My thoughts aren’t real. I know that. Instantly, I’m back in my body and the present moment.

What I love is the lack of striving and force in all of this. I’m not pushing for some intensely desired outcome or trying to rid myself of a deep-seated part of my persona.

Katie’s way—which is closely aligned with the ancient wisdom of the Tao–is very different from the energy behind standard first-of-the-year resolutions. There is no push to root out bad old patterns and make oneself change for the better. As Katie, and as every self-respecting Taoist, knows, such pushing is a sure-fire way to beef up internal resistance and start an unproductive civil war within.

For me, this unconventional approach is also a brilliant way to have my worry thoughts and be free of them at the same time.

Anything you want to add about self-improvement, New Year’s resolutions, and alternatives to such? I’m all ears.

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All it takes is asking a few key questions, listening for the answers, and having the courage to put these into practice. Certain friends and family members may be less than thrilled by your changing your holiday routine. That’s where the courage comes in.

My guest, Christine Arundell (youressentialsolutions.com), a professional organizer and life coach, posed these three simple questions:
•    What qualities do you want to cultivate during the holiday season?
•    What activities do you associate with this season?
•    Which activities reflect the qualities that you want to cultivate?

One person on the call spoke of how she and her immediate family are developing new traditions now that her son is an adult and her aging mother is living with her and her husband. They’re shifting the focus on Christmas morning from opening gifts to sharing from the heart. The question they will pose to each other is “What brings you light and warmth?”

This family will still exchange a few tangible gifts, but that won’t be the main activity. Later in the day, after they’ve generated that “golden light,” they’ll spend time together in nature.

Others on the call spoke of shifting from store-bought gifts to homemade ones. Gifts from the kitchen seemed popular. Last year Christine suggested that her husband make an extra batch of his delicious homemade granola. They packaged it in festive, ribbon-tied bags and shared these with the members of their extended family. It proved a hit. The family literally gobbled up their gifts.

For some people, Christine pointed out, selecting the perfect store-bought gift for another might be an excellent way of showing how much we value that person. I certainly find great pleasure in seeking out just the right gifts for the handful of people for whom I still buy a present.

For me, though, the most fun and memorable gifts that our small circle of family and “like-family” members exchange are the fun, and sometimes irreverent, rhymed poems we write to and about one another.

It’s a Dutch thing. My husband and his sister grew up in The Netherlands where most families write these poems to one another on December 5, the eve of the feast of St. Nicholas. They sign them “Sinterklaas,” the Dutch name for St. Nick.

If you’re already deep into holiday activities and would find it difficult to change direction at this point, don’t worry. These three questions work for any season of the year and any life situation laden with the expectations of family and culture. Think weddings, births, birthdays, graduations, family reunions.

The more you practice asking yourself these questions throughout the year, the better prepared you’ll be to create the winter holiday your heart desires next December.

Maybe you’re already doing this. Or perhaps you have questions about how to pull this off given certain sticky situations with family and friends. I’d love to hear your stories and questions. Send a reply.

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I beat myself up for not starting sooner; then mercilessly drive myself to accomplish the task. Later, I berate myself for not allowing enough time to do it better. This routine is not fun. Some might call it self-flagellation. But I do produce a piece of writing.

Recently-we’re talking barely a week–I’ve been operating differently. I still find myself postponing certain tasks but I no longer scold myself for this. Instead, I treat myself with uncharacteristic kindness.

According to the crack-the-whip, no-coddling-allowed, child-rearing practices that prevailed for generations, this new approach should turn me into an even lazier bum than the one I started as. So far it hasn’t. Even though I’m no longer driving myself to accomplish the task at hand, I’m postponing less and producing more.

Best of all, I’m having a good time doing what I used to resist. And the better time I have, the less I resist the next time. This is further evidence that my Why Worry Guide mission is not a “mission impossible.” When I shift from worry (or fear, anger, sadness, despair) to joy, effective action often follows.

The big question: Can this self-kindness practice last? After all, I’ve dedicated a lifetime to self-bashing even as I’ve helped clients in my coaching/hypnotherapy practice successfully stop this habit.

And I live in a culture in which harsh self-talk runs rampant. Check out the last three decades of self-improvement literature. How much of it has to do with changing the way we talk to ourselves? Think of all those books and articles about turning negative mental  “tapes” into positive affirmations.

Despite how embedded negative self-talk is in our culture and our individual psyches, I’m happy to report that lasting change in the direction of self-kindness is possible. Over the years, I’ve practiced what I recommend to my clients and have made enormous progress when it comes to being kind to myself. Still, one area has remained stubbornly resistant to change, that is until recently (fingers crossed).

The last bastion for me has to do with my professional work. I know I’m good at what I do, but I drag my feet about completing my own major projects. Just writing this sentence sends my mind into a frenzy. If I give that mind free rein, I won’t even be able to complete the next sentence. Okay, breathe, Carolyn. Do your practice.

Oh, yes, my practice. That’s why I started this post. I want to share this with you. I just did the practice, and joy bubbled up within seconds. That doesn’t always happen, but what I can always count on is greater clarity.

The SALA practice: A couple of years ago I came up with my Stop-Ask-Listen-Act practice, which I affectionately call SALA. At the time I wanted a simple way to better follow my intuition. Now I’ve learned that SALA also works for interrupting unwanted habits, including undermining self-talk. Here are the four simple steps:

• STOP your thinking mind and notice the physical sensations you’re feeling
• ASK “How do I want to be right now?” (Or your own variation on this)
• LISTEN for a response (from a deeper place than thinking mind)
• ACT on this response

How to make SALA your own: For the ASK part, come up with a question that brings you back to who you really are and helps you make the change you most desire.

My heart’s desire is to shift from fear and control to love and allowing. I fear completing major projects of my own because I worry that I’ll either fail and be humiliated or I’ll succeed and my life will spin out of control as new demands rush in.

My current ASK question is “How might I live my gift right now?” This opens my heart and awakens my generosity while it dissolves the fear and relaxes the control.

The LISTEN is easy at this point. Instantly, a knowing arises from within and the next step becomes clear. For me this morning it was: Sit your butt down and finish your blog post. And don’t stop there. Send it out!

The ACT part isn’t always as easy. But I’ve learned that any action that emerges from the SALA practice is coming from my inner authentic self.  It’s much more appropriate and effective than when I’m desperately trying to meet ever-more-exacting standards imposed from without.

This morning I face looming deadlines involving others. I still need to prepare a report for an afternoon meeting and then a complicated dinner for a party of six. How dare I take precious time to send out this little blog post of mine?

So I ask my question again. The answer: Your post is important. Finish and send it but don’t compulsively review it five times before pressing the “publish” button.

Hey, another undermining habit I get to break!

A helpful read: Chapter Seven, “The Sweetness of Loving Ourselves” in Awakening Joy: Ten Steps That Will Put You on the Road to Real Happiness by James Baraz and Shoshana Alexander (Bantam Books, 2010).

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Speaking personally, I’d say we’re in the speed up phase. I know, I know, Einstein was referring to measurable clock-time and physical objects massive enough to bend light. I’m talking about subjective time and personal and work demands massive enough to overwhelm the ordinary person. Still, the parallels are fun to play with.

These days I joke that I feel like I’m giving birth to triplets. Three major creative projects I’m involved in are insisting on being born-right now! A part of me is panicking, saying “I can’t do this! Can we please slow the process down? Space these babies out?”

No such luck. At least one baby is already heading down the birth canal and the other two are waiting their turn–impatiently. There’s no turning back, or even decelerating, at this point.

Do you ever feel this way these days? Seems at least three quarters of my friends and colleagues are operating at No. 10 on the Intensity Scale. Yesterday morning I was about ready to cave into overwhelm, curl into fetal position and pretend I was one of the babies instead of the mama. Then I remembered 20 years back to the first profoundly panicked birth mother I encountered in my hypnotherapy work with pregnant women.

“Martha” was close to going into labor and had recently been told by her obstetrician that she would be birthing a 10-pound-plus baby boy. She arrived at my doorstep trembling with fear. “I can’t do this,” she blurted out. I felt nervous myself. She and I had time only for this one session together.

Ninety minutes later Martha strode out of my office feeling calm and confident. She called a few days after the session to tell me that her birthing team at the hospital couldn’t believe what a powerhouse she was. She pushed her big baby boy out without even recourse to pain medication.

What happened in the 90 minutes that made the difference? First, I helped Martha breathe deeply, ground herself in her body, and imagine being in a place of comfort and safety. Then I guided her to the part within her that felt afraid.

“What does this part need to relax?” I asked. The “four-year-old” in Martha told us exactly what she needed: her favorite baby doll and the reassurance that she, the little girl, wasn’t the one who had to do the birthing.

Next I invited Martha to connect with that part of her who knew how to give birth, even to a 10-pound-plus baby. A smile spread across Martha’s face. “Eartha/Bertha” had arrived. She appeared in Martha’s imagination as a sturdy, powerful, wide-hipped midwife who had birthed her own babies easily and naturally and had assisted at many other births.

“Would you be willing to imagine being Eartha/Bertha?” I asked. Pronounced nod of head. “How about rehearsing in your imagination giving birth, as Eartha/Bertha, to your baby boy?” Another big nod.

While I gently guided Martha (aka “Eartha-Bertha”) through the stages of labor and delivery, she imagined dilating fully and pushing her 10-pound-plus baby into the waiting hands of the doctor. Then she felt the intense joy of holding her baby boy to her breast while her husband embraced both of them and the three bonded as a family.

Recalling this triumphant story, my fears about my current “birthing triplets” situation began to evaporate. We all can do more than we think we can. The secret? Getting our thinking-judging mind out of the way and tapping into the expansive power of our imagination.

To “birth my triplets” I simply need to use for myself the powerful imagery tools I’ve been teaching clients for years. Since remembering the 10-pound baby story, I’ve been taking more time to comfort my internal scared, foot-dragging child and tap into the power of my version of “Eartha/Bertha.”

Each of us carries within us a precious, sensitive part that is essential to our creative expression and that can easily feel overwhelmed. We also have other parts of our personality-and the collective unconscious–that we can draw upon for strength, compassion, and wisdom plus virtually every sort of specialized knowledge we might need.

Inspired by Einstein’s theory, I’ve decided to practice slowing down time as I birth my “triplets.” I’ve already scored my first success. While I drafted this post and traveled back in time to recollect those birthing memories, it felt like time slowed down and work turned to play. I feel refreshed now and ready for whatever comes next as I continue to turn the impossible into the possible.

Any stories you care to share about shifting from overwhelm to empowerment?

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I was so stunned by Gene Burnett’s honesty and the highly conscious yet simple process he developed to check his motivations that I’m passing on this excerpt from the email he sent to his friends. [I broke his text into shorter paragraphs and added a bit of punctuation.]

“Dear Friends,
“Here’s an email from my friend Marian regarding what you can do for the people of Haiti. This organization seems on the level and doing great work. I just made a donation myself.

“Here’s a little side story:
“I was sitting around talking with Samarra and I started talking about how we all naturally are constantly organizing and prioritizing the constant torrents of information that we are offered from the world. We have to really. It is not possible to give equal weight to everything that is happening. We have to favor some info, forget, ignore or prioritize as “low” other info. We can’t “care” equally about everything except intellectually. We can pretend to “care” about everything but not really.

“As an example, I said, if that earthquake had happened in New York, or Chicago, or Portland, or Ashland (progressively closer to home), I would naturally ‘care’ more and more about the effects on people. But realistically, to be totally honest, I said, ‘I just don’t care about the people of Haiti, not enough to give them any money.’

“Interestingly, though, the minute I said this out loud, a shift happened in me and I did care enough to give them some money. So rather than pretending that I care, or ‘caring’ out of some guilty feeling that I should care, I prefer what I would term a more Taoist approach, which is to care if I care, don’t care if I don’t care, but to be honest about it, recognizing that when I am honest, I may change.

“So here’s my request of you:
“Think about making a relief donation, and, if you would like to but seriously can’t afford it, say it out loud.

“If you honestly care, but not enough to make a donation, say that out loud.

“If you honestly don’t care and don’t want to make a donation, say that out loud.

“”And, if you do care and would like to make a donation, consider the Mercy Corps link below.
Thanks,
GB”

I’ve been impressed by Gene’s honest, Taoist approach to life ever since I heard him sing his fun/serious Taoist “anthem” last Thanksgiving. (See my Dec. 1 post: http://www.whyworryguide.com/2009/12/love-your-body%E2%80%94or-how-to-slow-aging-and-help-humanity-at-the-same-time/) Gene’s a prolific singer/songwriter and a teacher of Qigong. Learn more–and download some great songs–at http://www.geneburnett.com/Media/music.asp.

And about that suggestion of a relief organization: Mercy Corps is one of the nonprofits I’ve contributed to, and I second the endorsement given it by Gene’s friend, Marian. To quote Marian about Mercy Corps:

“They’re a 4 star charity, at least 89% of donated funds go directly toward relief, and they’re primary focus is disaster relief.  They’ve got teams in place in Haiti, some great ideas, and are already working to help the situation.”

Here’s the link to Mercy Corps’ Haiti donation page:
https://donate.mercycorps.org/donation.htm?DonorIntent=Haiti+Earthquake&Custom15=E404&Custom16=captiontext

Any thoughts you have about honest caring and giving?

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This was no blockbuster news story. The afternoon paper in our small town (population 21,000) was the only one carrying it prominently. But the report shook me up more than most news stories, probably because it happened about half a mile from my house.

A stranger sexually assaulted and seriously wounded a young woman walking home after a cozy, hillside house party. He then dumped her on a deserted, semi-rural street. A passerby found the young woman the next morning unconscious and close to death from hypothermia.

In friendly, charming Ashland, Oregon, where we pride ourselves on having safe streets and a low crime rate, this news came as a huge shock. And it was followed by aftershocks–reports from three other women of sexual assaults, including one confirmed broad-daylight rape. All occurred within a two-week period.

The morning after I read that original headline, I had trouble quieting my mind during my daily meditation. I kept imagining this innocent young woman strolling downhill toward the center of town, feeling perfectly safe, then waking the next day in Ashland Community Hospital so traumatized that she couldn’t remember anything that had happened. My mind began to fill in the blanks. The horror of the attack burned deep into my belly.

Okay, Ms. Why Worry Guide, I thought to myself, what do you do about this?

I know how I handled such disturbances in the past. I’d store the images and the vulnerable emotions they evoked in a sealed compartment deep inside me. Then I’d shift into mental problem-solving mode. How can I protect myself from such an attack? What can we as a community do about this? That sort of thing.

The only emotions I’d allow myself would be anger and outrage. These hard emotions felt a lot more powerful, and thus more comfortable, than the soft, vulnerable ones I stored away. But, according to studies, anger and other reactive emotions flood the brain and fog cognitive functioning. They aren’t exactly sources of true power.

HOW I DID IT DIFFERENTLY in this case: Although tempted to indulge in rage and blame, I instead let the whole range of emotions surge through me, including fear, heart-sickness and other “softies.” But I didn’t stop there. I turned the emotional clearing process over to the real expert, my body. Our bodies–if we let them, and we act quickly–can detox emotional debris in minutes. All it takes is asking questions and sensing the answers.

Where am I feeling the emotions most strongly?  Oh, in my solar plexus. What exactly are the physical sensations there? Burning. What if I feel into the burning? It softens and spreads. Uh, oh, I’m back imagining the crime scene. Return to the sensations. Now I’m getting angry at the perpetrator and all who prey on women. Feel the anger, then drop into the physical sensations beneath the anger.

Before long, the turmoil in my belly settled, my neck and shoulders began to relax, and my mind cleared. I asked what I might do in response to this upwelling of violence against women in our community. What will generate love, truth and peace rather than fuel hate, lies and violence?

The first response was “Write a blog entry.” Before taking my next action, I’ll sense and clear any emotions that need releasing, then ask and listen again. To be honest, this is not something I always remember to do. Still, it is the best way I know to make sure that whatever I do comes from clarity and compassion, not confusion and fear.

Anything you want to add to this conversation I’ve been having with myself?

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